A Fire in the Soul

How to drag your feet before the Lord and fall into your calling.

  I won’t bother wasting your time by going over some of the same stories that I wrote about in my book, My Father's House. But basically after coming to Christ out of High School, many elements of Spirituality shifted into high gear for me.

  I had a lot of zeal and a lot of drive for the things of God. I wanted to excel, I wanted to be on the edge of things. As time progressed I noticed things, I had gained a lot of favor with the older generation. People who were in their 50s to 80s helped me in many ways when they often would not help others of my own age.

  Maybe they saw in me what they wished they were or maybe they just wanted to live life on the edge through me, I guess I will never know. But regardless this was my start, and as the years turned into decades. And less than wonderful pastors replaced the former, I learned to endure, keep the fire burning and not give in.

  In time my wife and I planted a small church. Part of me expected to gather many of my own age who knew me, but that did not happen. In fact, they were now tossing up roadblocks and whispering words of caution to people who were interested in joining. As I pondered this the spirit dropped this scripture to me, “A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.” Matthew 10:36 So my circle of friends grew smaller and I became more and more connected with other local leaders who understood.

  Then one day the Lord had us move 400 miles away, and my zeal for the things of the Lord grew. This was partly because of the success of the former plant and partly because of the send-off all these leaders gave us. They prophesied and laid hands on us for this mission.

  But the next few years were hard, witchcraft, betrayal, and the disintegration of connections all took its toll on us. And the plant that we labored on, was whimpering to death. My zeal and drive took a heavy beating as I felt like I had betrayed the very call these leaders had laid on my life.

  But then two things happened, One was the Lord explained it was time to sell our farm and move to South Carolina to work for another ministry. And the second was a dream with Bob Jones. He had walked up to me holding the reins of a brown horse. And with his big sausage finger, he shoved it into my chest three times. And each time he announced that, “My father's House, the Lord will build it!” It was painful, but I got the message, Take your hands off and walk away. So I did.

  So I ran away from the land the Lord gave me to work, to the south. And in time I made a few new friends, good friends. There were also some not-so-hot and others lukewarm friends in a wacky way. But regardless, it was a new adventure and the fires within me started rebuilding. But then something else started up.

  In time various members of middle to senior leadership would drop by and say, “I was walking by your office, I don’t know why but the Lord told me that I need to come in here and tell you…”

  So, as months turned into years each story and document given was added to the dreams the Lord was delivering. A picture started to develop, and I really started to see what was “under the rug.” Hidden deception, drug use, manipulation of people and funds and I was slowly getting more and more angry. “You don’t treat the Lord's kids this way!” My mind raged.

  As I pondered my next actions several things came along. One was a warning dream that I needed to take a “step back,” and “let older and wiser hands defuse this bomb.” The second thing was a couple of people I knew tried the Matthew 18 route. Through words and intimations, they were forced into silence as leadership made their lives miserable. So I realized that the forces in charge had covered their bases in every step, and our only option was to just get away.

  A couple of years passed before we had the money to get out, and during that time the fire kept growing dimmer and dimmer. Soon the only force (or so it felt) was just tunnel vision and hard-headed Western independence to get free at any cost. Looking back, maybe we burnt too many bridges to get free, maybe we should have done a better job in some areas. But the drive for freedom is infectious once you smell it.

  We landed for a time in Casper Wyoming, not the best place to land. And I attempted to connect with a local fellowship. But I was still angry inside, ready to fight. Then one day the Pastor learned we had just come out of a major ministry. So with excitement, he invited us out. In retrospect, he should not have asked the questions he did, and I should have communicated better.

  He asked, “So, what do you think of our church?” I opened my mouth and gave a complete breakdown. I explained where he was pointing his congregation and how he was using all the decorations, songs, and messages to instill certain older (1980) concepts of ministry. By the time I was done, his and his wife's eyes were huge, and we very quickly got the, “Don’t call us, we will call you a message.”

  So I was done, the fire was dead, and after almost 40 years, I really had no use for church or the Lord's people anymore. Time passed, and our friends in the area kept trying to get us to join a brand-new fellowship that started up in a mall. They described it all to me over and over again but I said no. I was done, and besides with what this pastor was trying to accomplish. I knew that he did not need someone with my attitude infecting his group.

  Then one day, the Lord directed us to move… back to the land that was given to us years ago. Part of me was excited, part of me was thinking it would be a good place to just become a hermit and hide. A prophetic friend of mine in Ohio got ahold of me and told me, “The Lord is sending you back to take care of unfinished business.” I did not care, Idaho is a good place to hide.

  But the Lord did something. One of our former members learned I was coming back, and Susan got excited and slowly brought together a group of people, inviting us to come to her house. Within a short time, I soon started to get the drift that she had implied to all, “Look I found us a new leader.”

I was not really looking for this.

  Time drug on, and I drug my feet, doing absolutely as little as possible in the area of leadership, and in the next year and a half, I kept telling them I was not staying. I had a couple of dreams about moving back to the south, but they kept praying. I kept insisting I was leaving, they kept praying and the group grew in size. I did not want this… and for the life of me, I still don’t know why I did not just walk away.

  Then one day the Lord started speaking to me about bringing worship into the group. This started a long rebellious argument with him, one that I lost. For I knew that once I declared I was going to do this there was no turning back, I would be a pastor again, with responsibilities.

  Now mind you I was not in a vacuum at all in the last several years of pretending to be a hermit. The Lord was still talking, I was just not moving. And this new plant that was happening before my eyes was not of my hands, it was the Lord working through Susan. She did it, I did not, I was just trying to figure out how to stay in the back of the bus.

  So on May 15th. 2023 we met together and I confessed that I knew people were praying. And that because of the prayers the Lord has heard them. Not only were we going to have worship, but I was not leaving until my current assignment was done. People were excited, we started worship and the Holy Spirit fell in a big way in the room.

  It was the signs everyone needed. A Congregational had been reborn and most of the people struggled to even walk under the anointing. And for me…

  A small campfire has been restarted, It’s not much, but it’s there, burning against the night. I’m older now, tired with a bit more wisdom and gray hair. I won’t be taking on any giants right now. The fire is not quite that big. It took time, it took love and a group of people older than myself to love things back into order.

  Maybe in the future, we can avoid the pitfalls I saw in that Eastern prophetic ministry, or maybe they are still in front of us, waiting for the Lord to teach us how to deal with them. Regardless, with the Love, Power, and a sound mind from Jesus… we can travel a long way on that.